Conflict is unavoidable and it can be very scary, but conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Conflict isn’t unhealthy, it’s the way the conflict is handled that can be either healthy or unhealthy. Conflict is a serious disagreement between one or multiple people. Assertively communicating your thoughts and feelings is the best way to get your feelings across.
There are three other ways to verbally communicate your feelings. There’s passive, aggressive, and being passive-aggressive. Communicating passively is when you allow or accept things that you’re not necessarily okay with in a confrontation. Communicating aggressively is when you angrily attack another person, physically or verbally, in a confrontation. Lastly, to be passive-aggressive is to negatively express your feelings indirectly or subtly. We’ve all communicated in at least one of these ways before, but it’s not necessarily the best way to communicate. To be assertive, it requires you to be respectful, empathetic, and honest in the way you feel. Being assertive doesn’t involve belittling, swearing, yelling, remaining silent, or agreeing just to end the conversation.
How do I assertively communicate?
To assertively communicate, you can use an “I” statement. An “I” statement is a way to quickly and respectfully communicate your feelings. An example of an “I” statement is:
“I feel mad and hurt when you ignore me while I’m speaking. When speaking to you, I want to be heard because I enjoy talking to you. Can you listen to me when I speak?”
You’ll notice in the “I” statement that it is brief, concise, and respectful. It even asks the person if they are capable of doing what you ask, so you can hold them accountable if they don’t abide by it.
Sometimes communicating your feelings can be scary, but with an “I” statement, it takes a lot of pressure off of you to figure out what you’re going to say.
What if the other person doesn’t want to communicate?
That’s okay! Sometimes there will be people that you’re trying to assertively communicate with that will shut you down or not reciprocate assertive communication. In those situations, your attempt is what matters. For your own peace, sometimes you have to figure out what you need without relying on the other person to give it to you. When confronting another person about a problem, you have to try to remember that it is not you vs them, but it is both of you vs the problem. When you get yourself into that mindset, it makes it easier to practice assertive communication because you’re not thinking about winning or losing an argument, you’re thinking more about the other person.
Leave a Reply