Do you struggle with saying things that you don’t mean? Struggle with having every fight turn into a screaming match? Fighting with your loved ones is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be a hassle. There are certain rules that you can follow that will help make fighting with your loved ones not as bad. The first step of approaching a fight is to get into the right mindset. Reminding yourself that you love that person right before will help to remember that you don’t want to hurt them. Remember that it is you and them vs the problem, not you vs them. There are several rules to help approach fighting with a loved one that will make it seem less intense.
Rules:
- Set ground rules
Setting ground rules is important because it allows you to set rules that you both can hold each other accountable for while you’re in a fight. An example of some ground rules can be:
- No interrupting until I am finished speaking
- Be respectful
- No raising your voice/yelling
Your ground rules can look like this or be very different, but it’s important to target behaviors that you know that you do in a fight that is not productive to an argument.
- No “always” or “never”
When speaking your feelings, you should avoid using “always” or “never” because when a person uses those words, they’re not listening to what you’re saying, they’re thinking of examples of times that they did or didn’t do the things that they’re being accused of. So, when expressing your feelings, avoid those words and try to give specific examples instead of being vague; it helps your argument and the other person is more likely to listen instead of thinking about a comeback because you’re being factual instead of accusatory.
- No swearing
Avoiding swearing is your best bet because when you use curse words that can intensify anything that you’re saying; especially when you swear at someone because then they’re not listening to what you’re saying because they feel they’re being disrespected and they’re most likely thinking of a comeback to insult you instead of listening to what you have to say.
- Take turns speaking
It is important for both parties to feel heard, so it is important for both to establish that each person will take their time to say what they need to say without being interrupted. Everyone wants to be heard and have their feelings validated.
- Take a break/pause; if needed
Sometimes it can be hard to express your feelings without raising your voice or becoming too angry. If you feel this way, it is best to take a pause. Sometimes that can mean just taking a second to breathe before you continue speaking or that can be pausing the conversation for later until your emotions are better controlled. When taking a break, make sure to establish when you’re going to come back to the conversation because it is important.
- No involving others
If the fight is between you and one other person, it is important to keep it between you and the other person. No one else needs to be involved. Bringing in witnesses to “help your case” just makes things worse. Not only are other people now in your business and know what you’re fighting about, but the trust in confidence between you and the other person has changed.
- Stick to one topic
It’s easy to get lost and want to bring up multiple different things to the table, but it’s important to stick to one topic at a time to not only not overwhelm the other person, but to keep a focus on the more pressing issue at hand. Once the disagreement is settled, you can choose to bring up a different topic and start over, but only when the previous one is completed.
- Compromise
In every fight, there needs to be a compromise. Something has got to give or got to change, so it is important for both parties to establish what that change is together. Agreement between both parties in this step is crucial.
- Kiss & make up
At the end of the day, this is a person that you love and respect. A fight should never change your feelings about another person, so it is important that you both can walk away from the disagreement with your relationship still intact.
Being able to control your emotions enough to follow these rules can be very tough, but that’s why I mentioned that you must reframe your mindset before even entering into a disagreement. Ask yourself “do I value this relationship?”, “do I love, care and respect this person?” If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, it is important to fight fairly because if you love someone why would you purposely hurt them? These rules can help make arguments not as bad and help keep your relationship healthy.
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